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Bah
Spent the last few hours planning out every week of the summer art class session for kids that I’m teaching! Never realized how many complexities these instructors had to deal with. Nonetheless, very excited!
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I need to stop making 11x17in pieces
they’re such a hassle to scan :<
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I’m in a dark tunnel. There’s a light at the end. My legs are buried and I’m digging my way out with my fingers. I hear footsteps. Someone is coming to help me or to hurt me. I’m digging my way out with my fingers.
The footsteps have stopped. I look into the darkness and I am blinded by white. I have stopped digging my way out.
Sorry.
It’s my voice.
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Whoops
Just leaned on my glass palette.
CRACK
fuck
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Thank goodness for summer I think.
I’m so tired of things
for reasons -
Things that I desire purchasing
1. A blender so I can make fruit smoothies and trick myself into thinking I am healthy.
2. A light orange baby grand piano.
3. A smaller acoustic guitar.
4. My Ancient Greek history textbook from Fall ‘11.
5. My Sociology of Gender textbook from this semester, along with Tarrant’s Men and Feminism.
6. Yell-Oh! Girls, edited by Vickie Nam.
7. Getting my tubes tied or whatever that entails so that I can have sex and not ever have to worry about getting pregnant because that’s not what I want in life. I want to illustrate books for children, not raise them.
8. Some new x-acto blades.
9. A bird or a hamster or a rat or a corgi but prolly a hamster because they die faster and I’m not very good at taking care of living things anyway.
10. A marshmallow milkshake at that one place in New York.
11. An art studio space. That would be nice.
12. A more fuel-efficient car.
13. A fancy steak and/or bbq rib dinner. With a fancy dessert. And a mike’s hard. hahahahaha
14. A trip to explore the culinary delights of European countries.
15. A trip to explore the culinary delights of Japan.
16. A trip to see the art in India.
17. Frames for the artworks I’ve attained from my peers.
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Embarrassment by Association
This is something new that I’m trying to figure out.
When I think of how I’d like one group of friends to meet another, sometimes I purposely don’t attempt to form that bridge because I am afraid (fear is the root of everything) that someone will say something obviously offensive to one group but not the other. (Shouldn’t they know that? Cat, are you even confronting these behaviors? Come on. And maybe I have, but they just won’t stop. What then?)
And I feel like the friends that I have also somehow represent me. Associations. Stereotypes. If I hang out with a bunch of really sexist dudes, then what does that say about me? I suppose it doesn’t say anything, but I guess I’m afraid of these associations. Of being associated with being ignorant or with other mindsets that I’m not akin to (not that I’m not, but I try to catch it and think about it and fight against it)…
It’s like… I hate to relate friends to material objects, but it’s like supporting self-love and positive body consciousness, and then subscribing to Cosmo. I could be studying Cosmo, but that’s not good in relation to friends either. It’s like I’m fueling the perpetuation of something that I am against.
Iono. I’ll have to think about this more. Anyone have any opinions? Insight???
Oh god there’s a spider on my window. I was staring at it and then a neighbor came out and I sat back down. Constantly looking like a creeper.
Maybe your brain is a little mushy from lack of sleep and too much art, but this all makes sense to me. I’ve shut out negative “friends” from my life because they dragged me down like Cosmo. It’s not the easiest thing to do, especially if they run amuck in your everyday life, but yeah, it’s the best thing to do. That’s for sure.
I find myself making friends with people who think similarily to me. In other words, people who respect people for being fellow humans and don’t make snide remarks about weight, hair, bullshit, or joke about sexism, racism, etc -isms. I tend to be rubbed the complete wrong way when people start running their hateful mouths around me and I will avoid them at all costs.
Honestly, I think it does say something about you- the people you hang out with. If you are hanging out with a sexist group, I would question your thoughts and opinions and wonder why in the hell you’re with these people in the first place who continue to make horrible remarks and judge or limit based solely on gender- Especially if you don’t agree with these people. I guess social issues are a huge piece of my life right now and they matter a lot to me. Which is why I couldn’t handle being around people who spew garbage and ignorance- and I would certainly question anyone hanging out with them.
I think remaining silent around friends who behave below your standards is doing everyone a disservice. Generally if there are many people in a group, someone might agree with you but not have the guts to confront it. If something matters to you and is the butt of a joke, you have every right to stand up for yourself.
Maybe this is just me. I’m feeling a little fiesty right now, also. I think it’s my gas.
<3~3 (it’s a heart/butt farting)
Sometimes I think, “Well maybe… I can still be friends with these people, but in a… manipulative way… for the greater good? Fuck I sound like a cult leader. But I’m trying to instill positive messages within these groups… what better a way other than being a role model…” It’s just that… there’s so much weight as a role model. It’s not so much that you have to maintain a positive image, but that you have to deal with people who are ignorant to your cause. @_@;;;;;
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Embarrassment by Association
This is something new that I’m trying to figure out.
When I think of how I’d like one group of friends to meet another, sometimes I purposely don’t attempt to form that bridge because I am afraid (fear is the root of everything) that someone will say something obviously offensive to one group but not the other. (Shouldn’t they know that? Cat, are you even confronting these behaviors? Come on. And maybe I have, but they just won’t stop. What then?)
And I feel like the friends that I have also somehow represent me. Associations. Stereotypes. If I hang out with a bunch of really sexist dudes, then what does that say about me? I suppose it doesn’t say anything, but I guess I’m afraid of these associations. Of being associated with being ignorant or with other mindsets that I’m not akin to (not that I’m not, but I try to catch it and think about it and fight against it)…
It’s like… I hate to relate friends to material objects, but it’s like supporting self-love and positive body consciousness, and then subscribing to Cosmo. I could be studying Cosmo, but that’s not good in relation to friends either. It’s like I’m fueling the perpetuation of something that I am against.
Iono. I’ll have to think about this more. Anyone have any opinions? Insight???
Oh god there’s a spider on my window. I was staring at it and then a neighbor came out and I sat back down. Constantly looking like a creeper.
//
But then I suppose… that it shouldn’t matter, right? My friends should know who I am. It might be a little different with my parents, but I don’t think they really know who I am and what does it matter anyway.
Hm. Perhaps rather than be worried about what one group of friends will think of me in relation to another (omg classic peer pressure and conforming to other people lol), maybe I should worry about why I am basically ashamed of one group and whether being friends is beneficial to my development as a person?
Sounds kind of cold, doesn’t it?
Can’t keep cutting off loose ends of a fraying cloth. The ends will just continue fraying until you have nothing to cut. Gotta patch up those frayed ends as best you can, right?
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And then I’d like to do a series of juxtaposed images of people not caring about a woman with shaved legs and people enraged at a woman with hairy legs, of homeless people and chemistry sets, people in wheelchairs and classical literature, nearly identical men doing the same office job but one of them is transgender, a wave of racist yellow Asian faces with a miniature wave of racist yellow Asian faces being stepped on by Uncle Sam or something
always too didactic,
but I feel it is necessary.
people don’t like to think.
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Not sure…
if my final stop motion video came across to people or not.
My prof said it was complete, and then no one else really said anything lol except for melissa haha
Unrelated, wow thank god for hoisin sauce. Tots saved whatever the fuck I was making. lol cooking. Definitely not my art.
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On a less serious note
Sometimes I like to imagine myself listening to dubstep and then right before it gets to the drop I stand up and unzip my pants and when the beat drops I just drop my pants and then I go back to studying for things I probably won’t remember in another 3 months because the educational system is broken and doesn’t teach how to refresh and apply previously learned knowledge. There’s a word for it but I’m too mindblank to remember what it was.
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Personal
1. Frequently I have to pause and think about my thoughts (thoughts within thoughts? bwonggggg). Like, the other day I realized that I still have super sexist judgments about women within gamer and comic book cultures. I biked past this girl wearing… I can’t remember now, probably a Batman shirt.
My first thought was, “Does she even read batman or does she wear it because of the popularity of the movies?” And then I stopped and thought, “What the hell? Would I have thought the same thing if I saw a guy wearing the same design?” Probably not. I probably would have given him instant validation as a “geek,” whatever that even means anymore. And then I thought, “Fuck that! That girl could’ve read Batman comics since her grandfather entrusted his collection to her. Maybe she’s an orphan. Shit if I know, I shouldn’t make assumptions like that.”
2. I am in support of the environmental/climate/sustainable causes, but it is so hard to actively participate in actions when I feel so much more invested in learning about and actively supporting anti-rape culture, feminism, anti-racism, etc… (and I’m nowhere near as informed as I think I should be about ableist issues).
Two things on top of that.
The first is that it’s difficult to support the other organizations that support the organization that I am involved with, particularly when I feel that those organizations support things that I don’t support. Like cosmetics or plastic surgery.
To me, that’s like fighting against corporate farming while thanking McDonald’s for their generous financial contributions to the cause (if they actually did do that).
The second is that while I know it is a global concern as everyone is affected by climate change, it is often seen like… feminism. White feminism, specifically. I’m probably being hyperaware of being a minority, but that’s just how I feel. I feel like I need to dedicate my time and resources to race/gender/class/able issues, even though they can all be intertwined with one another plus climate.
And then I guess… well, a semi-related thing… is that being an artist that works with toxic chemicals and being environmentally friendly is super difficult. I don’t have the money to work with green tools. I don’t have the drive to make art out of tree branches. And I don’t have the intelligence to develop tools out of natural shit
Ughhhh so then instead of fighting any battles, all I want to do is stay at home and draw butts
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lol I’m trying to sell art to buy art (some great stuff from my peers!) ffffffffff but I also want to promote affordable pricing. Like super affordable. Like not affordable for me. Because the art world is snobby and it sucks. lol WATEVER I’m gonna be rich one day.
RICH FROM THE PLUNDERS OF FREE FOOD AND BEVERAGES AT RECEPTIONS.
There were meatballs today. B)
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THIS SUMMER
Gonna try to limit my spending to RENT, FOOD, TRAVEL, and ART.
1. Move big paintings and frames out of ASL… shit. Need a truck or maybe I’ll just beast 3 walks with them. Maybe I can just use the same rental truck I use for when I move in July… hm… will have to ask Kevin…
2. Move out/in $
3. Pen pal
4. Get a job
5. Volunteer at CCAS
6. Volunteer with 350 Sacramento
7. Visit Chris $
8. Visit home $
9. Buy external drive $
10. Slutwalk June 16
11. Health appointments
12. fART: 1. series of those weird nude figures and hands 2. series of public/private/personal/taboo objects 3. shoes 4. series of portraits of close-ups of eyes from porno 5. environmental/climate-related subjects 5. DESIGN PIZZA-THEMED ART FLYER 6. aaron’s shoes? 7. da’s shoes????
13. Contact galleries about Generalizasian
14. Learn to screenprint with Taylorb and Dan $
15. CCAS Studio Tour in Sept $
16. Visit Evri’s studio hours $
17. Visit museums $
18. Play adventure games
19. Read House of Leaves
Tonight I was hit with a hand full of eggs and huge rock on my back and called “Nigger” by a white guy in the backseat of a dark blue truck as I was riding my bike on Westheimer and Jeanetta. They drove too fast for me to get the license plate number. I had to get a cop to drive me home. This night makes me wonder how blacks did it back in the day, and why the community is looking the way it is now. I am trying not to cry, but I am in physical pain from the rock and not understanding why I deserved this.
uugh
Oh my god.
This is some serious kind of bullshit.
Those fuckers need to get tied up somewhere and get rocks and eggs thrown at THEM.
I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this.
One time my roommate and I were walking our bikes back home after his tire blew out on our night bike ride. This white suv filled with a bunch of what appeared to be white dude bros drove past and threw a full water bottle at us. It missed and passed directly between my legs as we walked.
We kept walking, but they started to do a u-turn. We crossed the street and they followed us. As they drove up next to us, they realized I was calling the cops and drove away.
And that is why I am sometimes terrified of groups of white guys in their twenties [maybe teens?] and suv’s.
